The referral date for the surgeon was actually for the first day we planned to be away on vacation, but when I called to confirm the appointment I was asked if I could possibly see her 10 days later instead? Yes!! God is really taking care of things for me!! In spite of pain, I have hope and hope conquers a lot of the pain and I’m sure I can endure this vacation with hope because hope does not disappoint and I’ll see the specialist when we get back!
My husband and I went to the appointment and I was filled with hope AND expectation! I know God is going to deliver me from all this and it was going to happen that day!! I was going to get answers, options and solutions. (Which would give me more hope!)
Except, that’s not what happened. We met a surgeon barely out of school, who told me there is probably nothing she can do and I will be living in pain for the rest of my life. My CT scan was useless to her because it shows my spine laying down and she needs an x-ray of the spine under pressure. So, she gave me a requisition for two 3-foot x-rays to be done of my spine 4 months apart from each other and told me to get physio. I can barely stand or walk because of the pain! Physio… more expense… more pain??
These were not the answers I was hoping for and I felt like my entire hope bubble had been completely burst! I left there and just cried!
On one side, the muscles are squished towards my hip because of the spine, on the other side muscles are being swished mid-back, and where they aren’t being swished, they’re being stretched and no matter how you look at it, the nerves are sending intense pain signals to my brain all the time.
The only thing that actually relieves any pressure is being in water. So Steve and I agreed that I’d get back into swimming regularly before going the physio route. After dropping the girls at school one morning, I headed straight for our local pool. Remarkably I found parking! I got out of the car, walked to the door, all ready to do just what I could do, only to see a sign that said “Recreation center open as normal. Pool closed for maintenance between X and Y dates”. No wonder I got parking!
I decided this time that I was not going to cry. I was not going to get despondent. I was not going to let the devil win! I text my husband the news and we laughed.
But I still need to move. I need to be mobile. I need to be active. I need to heal. Now what?! I have to wait 2 weeks for the pool to re-open… what do I do ‘in the meantime’?
We decided to get a mobility walker for me. One that has a seat so I can rest if I need to and one that would enable me to get out to places I had avoided because of the standing/walking issue. I actually enjoy walking anyway, so it’s win-win as far as I’m concerned. (Hope again). We researched them and I ventured off to the store. It was a Saturday and there was a street event going on which encompassed a 3 block radius, and was closed to all traffic. The store I needed to get to was right in the middle of it all. The closest parking I found was about 500 meters away… but there was no way I could walk that far unaided!
By this point, I’m seriously wondering what I’m missing… what is the lesson in all this? I was not going to give in to hopelessness again!! It only takes us to dark places and I’m on the path to recovery and restoration!! I decided, there in the car, on my own with just God, that if this meant I just needed to trust Him more, then trusting God more I would do! The joy-stealer wasn’t having victory anymore – no matter what!! I kept thinking about what I posted on August 29… just information… give it to God… rest in trust! So I did… again! (Funny how we can get sucked back into ‘that’ place or our enemy comes at us from another ‘angle’ isn’t it!)
I got home and told the girls what happened. The lack of a walker meant we couldn’t do what we had planned that afternoon so we went to our second-favorite bookstore to browse and shop. I was standing in the journal section looking at the sale items for perhaps 10 minutes. In just that time, the pain had gone from about a 4 to a raging 10. I found a seat and rested for about 20 minutes, determined that pain wouldn’t win!
After, was grocery shopping. That’s an easy task for me… I have a grocery cart to lean on and relieve some of the pressure from my hip. Towards the end of our shopping, my youngest disappeared while her sister and I were looking at something. She reappeared moments later with a massive smile on her face saying, “They have a walker here! It’s just like the ones you were looking at! It’s blue AND it’s on sale! There’s only one left!”
A mobility walker?? On sale in a grocery store?? Over we went to the small pharmacy section and sure enough there it was… perfect in an unopened box and $50 off!! It had everything we were looking for!! A seat to rest on, storage areas for my purse etc, and it was blue - my favourite colour!! I just about died laughing!! God, You are so good!!! Thank You Jesus!!! (You can also ask what on earth made my 10 year old decide to go look in the pharmacy section period!! That’s just not her style!!)
While it doesn’t help the pain problem right away, it certainly helps the mobility problems!! And I saw that as not only an answer to prayer but grace and favor from God for my decision earlier that day… to trust Him more!! In that moment, after a week of nothing going right, God showed up at the perfect yet completely unexpected time, showed me He was with me and gave me some relief!!! Thank you Jesus!!!
2 Corinthians 5:7 is a very short and simple statement... We walk by faith, not by sight. And it is a walk... step by step by step... Even when the things we are hoping for, praying on, believing for take time to reach us, we need to keep walking forward... Forward towards God.
It would be easy to give up, quit, run away... but while that sometimes 'seems' the easiest way, I know from my own experience, it only leads to something worse. Turning to Jesus, sinking in to God's word, and trusting Him more and more with each step, it the only way for me to walk. Figuratively, literally and spiritually...
I have a mobility walker and that is a huge blessing!!! The pain continues but I stand on God's promises and what Jesus has done, and I know that the pain will go away and I will be healed!!
The journey continues…